memelaina | busy, busy, busy

I knew that I wasn't keeping up to date, but I didn't realize that it had been a month! Busy, busy here at work. My accounting tech (my last remaining report from a group of ten) got taken away from me in January, and so I'm having to do her work as well as my own, and my management doesn't seem to have any sense of recognition that this is a problem. So I've been putting in many more weekends than I used to, and working more hours, and just -worrying- more.

I'm also still working with a therapist every week trying to extract, look at, and evaluate some of the reasons why I'm gaining weight and having trouble even thinking about losing weight. My therapist is not the best I've ever come across, but she does seem to be willing to work with me, and we are dragging into the daylight some bits and pieces that I can see have been holding me down. But the sessions leave me exhausted and somewhat insomniac for two or three days in the week. Then just about the time that I feel I've gotten things assimilated and put into their proper places, it's time for another session. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finding it worthwhile and correctly paced. But exhausting.

I cooked a feast for 160 on 31 January with our local S*C*A branch. Good feast. Under budget. Everyone seemed to like the food. But they take more out of me than they used to - even ten years ago. And I work REALLY hard at spending as much time as possible sitting down.

I've been doing quite a lot of reading about weight and body image. Two books I'm consuming now that hit a nice positive gong in my head are Just the Weigh You Are and Real Fitness for Real Women both are part of the weight acceptance movement that says you don't have to wait until you are skinny to start being strong and fit and happy. As a matter of fact, you don't have to TRY to be skinny.

I have a lot of issues with skinny people. It's like I take all of the anti-fat imagery that society throws at us and twist it and try to throw it back with extra barbs sticking out of it. I'm beginning to see that I need to let go of some of this anger and reversal and work at an I'm Okay, You're Okay kind of acceptance. But it's not easy.